I want to have your abortion
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
