im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
