I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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