the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
