Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
