he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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