Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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