Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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