I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
