yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
