I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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