I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
