dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
