Just cropdusted the office
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
