The maid of honor just puked.
I hate all girls vehemently.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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