on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
