I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
