Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
