I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
