I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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