pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
