The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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