Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
