first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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