I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
