Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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