My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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