her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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