what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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