Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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