That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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