THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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