why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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