Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
