My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
