We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
