So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just pee around me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
