i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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