a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
