Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
