I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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