Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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