I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
