Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
