I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it was like eating out sand paper
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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