he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
