yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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