He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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