Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
