Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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